1. You ever cut your grass and found a car.
  2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
  3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
  5. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
  6. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  7. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
  8. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  9. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  10. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
  11. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
  12. Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

  13. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  14. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
  15. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
  16. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  17. Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  18. There are more than five McDonald’s bags in your car.
  19. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
  20. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
  21. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  22. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
  23. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  24. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
  25. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  26. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.

  27. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
  28. You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
  29. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
  30. You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
  31. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
  32. Directions to your house include “Turn off the  paved road.”
  33. Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
  34. You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
  35. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  36. Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  37. You view the next family reunion as a chance to  meet girls.
  38. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  39. Your other truck is made by John Deere.
  40. More than one living relative is named after a southern  civil war general.
  41. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
  42. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouerve.
  43. Your family tree doesn’t have any branches.
  44. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
  45. You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
  46. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
  47. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
  48. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

  49. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
  50. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  51. You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  52. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest  invention of all time.
  53. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again..
  54. You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
  55. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
  56. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just “Misunderstood”.
  57. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
  58. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  59. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
  60. You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
  61. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
  62. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  63. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator
  64. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
  65. Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
  66. You’d rather catch bass than get some (if you can’t guess…)
  67. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
  68. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
  69. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
  70. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

  71. You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
  72. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your  fireplace.
  73. You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
  74. You idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”
  75. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.
  76. The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.
  77. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
  78. You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
  79. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your  home town.
  80. You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.
  81. You’re moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing  “I Will Always Love You”.
  82. On your job application under “SEX” you put “As often as possible”.
  83. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
  84. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
  85. In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”.
  86. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
  87. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.” or “Play Ball…”
  88. Your child’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.

  89. You bring your dog to work with you.
  90. You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.
  91. You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
  92. You use lava soap more than three times a day.
  93. You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
  94. You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.
  95. You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
  96. You’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
  97. You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
  98. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
  99. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
  100. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

Much gratitude to that ol’ redneck comedian Jeff Foxworthy for this laugh-fest of a damn list.


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